Going back to MN tomorrow for the last semester of my senior year of college...then what? then what? It's too early to dwell too much on that question.

Speaking of dwell (or dwellings), this break has been all about home and the meaning of home--In my personal and academic life I have been exploring where home begins and where it ends? How deep are our loyalties to this mysterious region? I began my research with questions of belonging and longing—seeking to discover if home is more than a territory of place, but also a territory of the heart and part of what makes us all distinctively human.

I don't know what I've discovered yet.

But today, while cleaning my childhood room (which I didn't do a very good job of), I discovered a piece of my past. I suddenly really wanted to listen to my old Sheryl Crow album. Weird, huh? Weirder is that when I found the CD and opened the case, I found another CD in there with Sheryl...it was a gold CD with the words "Keep Smilin'" scrawled in vaguely familiar handwriting. I began to shake a little as I realized what this CD was. I had just been talking about this very disc a few days previous with Molly.

It was the first love "note" I ever received. The CD my first bf, Christian, made me as a way of, I suppose, asking me to be his lady.

I'm listening to it now. It is as corny as the first time I heard it and I am just as embarrassed for him now as I was then. But I guess I can't be a totally cold bitch.

I suppose it's kinda sweet. And how long has it been since someone has put their heart on the line for me?

Homecoming encompasses so much more than just re-entering a physical space. In many ways it is treading again on past selves. Coming home is uncovering more than just the structure of a place; it's uncovering memories long pushed aside and often just waiting to be rediscovered. In it's truest moments home is not just, as the saying goes, where the heart is, but maybe it is the heart itself.

In it's smallest moments (and maybe most poignant) home is a dusty CD, proclaiming "keep smilin'," reminding the homebody that she was once deeply loved...

.saj.

I woke up at 3 pm today. I coulda slept longer, but I forced myself out of bed so that I could get some work done on my paper. It's now eight and I have done absolutely nothing. NOTHING. I hate this time of year because my motivation is spent and it's just when I need it. Dammit. And then I beat myself up for not planning ahead better. Oh, and I also tend to focus on other creative projects--such as poetry or random art projects in my room--that I shouldn't be doing right then because I should be writing this paper. Yuck. I really do dislike finals time.

Lately I feel like on top of all the school stress, I have been nursing a broken spirit. I have been trying to figure out what's been getting me down, besides the obvious downers of grey skies, cold weather, dry skin, finals stress, and lack of sleep. But when I search through my most honest places, I usually come up with nothing. Or maybe it's that I haven't had the time or energy to really "get real" with myself and figure all this out.

What I do know, or have let myself discover, is that this past summer was brilliant and beautiful and that the semester has felt like a drawn-out funeral for it. Downer much? Yeah, I know, I'm dealing with these thoughts daily.

Let me think of a better way of putting it.

This summer was like everything I loved but didn't know I loved until the instant it happened, happening every instant of every day. I found true friendships, heartfelt conversations, chance encounters with interesting strangers, new mishaps and adventures around every corner: I guess I just found love, in it's most true essence. And then the semester started, my last Fall semester as an undergrad, and I found myself falling back into old routines, boring old habits, and fading friendships. So it felt like the only thing that was comparable to the newness of the summer were the friendships that weren't there anymore, but that wasn't exactly something I wanted to celebrate. It's been a lot of newness that I don't know if I like.

Like last night: Choice O'Rama ball. I went with two friends and before we went there we smoked a bowl, which may have been a mistake, but I just really needed to mellow out. Well the personalities of the three of us high weren't good together and so it ended up being a pretty lame time even though it shoulda been really fun. Everyone there was having fun and the music was great, but I was the only one of my friends that wanted to enjoy the night. They were just drugged out, lameos (sorry). And I looked around and saw people I definitely knew and definitely would have come to this dance with my freshman or sophomore year, and they were having fun, but I wasn't with them anymore. And some people I loved so much, such as Adam, weren't there at all.

So I felt...lost? Maybe it was just the drugs making me crazy, but I felt like here I was in the middle of a school dance and I was having an existential-who-the-heck-am-I?! moment. Like, wtf?! And on top of that, I couldn't talk to my drugged out friends about it and I certainly couldn't talk to those people who weren't exactly my friends anymore.

Why do certain friendships end? Is it when you lose things to talk about? Why do you lose things to talk about? I am happy about the people who are in my life now, but I guess lately I have been losing and gaining friends so rapidly that it's making me question certain parts of my character and the people I am drawn to. I am starting to feel like "that girl" (that crazy girl, more like it.)

And then there are two people in my life who are making me question my sanity even more. One has been important for some time, but moves in and out of our friendship at his whim; the other is a fairly new friend who is the best, yet also the most confusing thing that has ever happened to me. I love both of these people, but when I step back and look at how I relate to them, I begin to worry. Cause when things are bad with friend A, I seek out friend B for intimacy and comfort, and vice versa. So it's like I am playing them against each other without either of them knowing it and without me knowing how to stop doing it. I need to have tough times that I just go to myself to get through, but instead I am using these two people to bring me back into a place of happiness...and it is only complicating my feelings for each of them. I definitely love both of them, but I am definitely not acknowledging or understanding my feelings for one of them, and by playing this game with them (with myself?) I am only making it worse for myself (for them?) I am thoroughly confused, completely run-down, and this paper isn't gonna happen when I feel so disconnected from everything.

I will pay someone to write it for me.

I will pay someone to find me therapy that isn't friend A or friend B.

Well kiddies, it's been a bit too long. I've spent the last few months doing a lot of work as well as a lot of play. My weekends used to be busy only with the occasional party: if there was no party, I wasn't doing much. Well now they are busy with lectures/concerts/tea parties/brunches/bar hopping/time spent with true friends. And it's not just weekends either--I am probably the worst roomie ever cause I am just never here. So much just happens, so many adventures appear before my very eyes. I really prefer the new lifestyle--things are a bit less predictable and a lot more diverse. I wanted to do this entry completely in pictures, but I can't figure out how to do that so my words will have to suffice.

Every so often I find myself getting really anxious for next year. College goes by a lot faster than they tell ya it will.  My stomach just started to get butterflies as I typed that sentence out.  I guess that is why my weekends have gotten a lot more interesting (and for that matter, my weeks too): we all are just trying to cram in as much time together as possible. I don't know at all what I am doing next year, except that I think I will still be in St. Paul, but I don't know which of my graduating friends will still be here. Luckily my world doesn't revolve around Macalester people as much as it did just two years ago, but still the thought this community dispersing all over the place is a bit beyond odd. It scares me a little bit. I don't know where my solid ground is gonna be.

Oh, wait, I forgot, I don't exactly believe in stable ground anymore. This summer I found a philosophy that celebrated uncertainty and change--celebrated that because change is the only true consistency we have. But shit, these great philosophies are hardest when you actually gotta put them into action. When the uncertainty creeps up out of nowhere and threatens your sanity and happiness, do you really want to embrace that shit? I am trying to not push away any of the multitude of feelings and emotions I am having, but it means that sometimes I am a bit more of a debbie downer than I would like.

Also: been reading a lot of Billy Collins. My ritual is to read him while on the toilet.  Reading Collins there has made something I already enjoyed into an even better experience.

.saj.

Last night we had our Dupre 3 Reunion party and it was GREAT! I think everyone had a really good time, and shockingly EVERY SINGLE PERSON came! There was a moment in the Dupre 3 lounge where we were all together but doing nothing especially awesome or cool, yet it was just so good to be together. I loved it. I don't think it was only the drinks in me that made me say over and over again "I love you guys!" It's true, I just felt so much love for the people I spent my firstyear of college with...it was so good to come together after so long (yes, two years feels long) and to feel comfortable with each other, feel happy to see each other...it was a joyful evening.
We started with a potluck at Andy/Dan/Seth's house where we all got the drinking started. Recca and I stopped by Park Liquor (with Adam too) to buy a bottle of firstyear alcohol, which translates into Smirnoff Vodka (flavored of course). By the time we got to Dayton and Fry, Andy and Seth had been drinking already and so we decided to join in. No time for awkward when you start drinking the minute you walk in the door. As everyone began to show up with their food, I got more and more happy! We sat down to eat the curry, ramon noodles (Lauren brought them, after explaining it'd been a tough month, haha), couscous, pitas, tomato salad and more that people brought. We were all around this big ol' table and it was nice to be together. And my cake that i thought I burned turned out to be a big ol' success! YAY! Dan kept throwing stupid questions out there like, "First impressions?" "Firstyear crushes?" Luckily everyone mostly ignored that. After sometime spent drinking and eating at Dayton and Fry, we gathered together for one picture before heading to Dupre 3. We took off in one big herd, just like freshman do, will our alcohol in bags and purses.
For one instant before we entered Dupre 3 I thought, "Perhaps this could be awkward," but that thought quickly disappeared as we entered the old stomping grounds. That was a really strange feeling though, to be on that floor again with everyone who lived there freshman year and also with all the new people walking around us like, "who the fuck are these crazies?" We all individually went to our old rooms to see who lived in them now and then we met up in the ladies bathroom to take shots and be assholes. Some firstyears came in to pee and they seemed pretty surprised to see us, declining the shots we offered them. Then the RA kicked us out...but he was really cool about not taking our liquor or writing us up. Gosh, that woulda been lame if we had been written up considering we are all legal! We moved the party to the formal lounge and finally Ana N-M arrived (my first roomie before I switched rooms) making the night was a complete success! We chatted and laughed and drank more before going outside to chant Dupre 3 and harass people passing by. One kid goes, "What's Dupre 3?" which made us all laugh hysterically. Honestly kid, it's only the greatest floor ever! Another firstyear walked by and said, "Gosh, some people just aren't discrete about being drunk," to which I responded, "We are seniors, we don't have to be discrete!" Oh what a refreshing realization!
Then we all went to the Kaadat dance together. I felt so liberated...Being a senior is so freeing, it's like you can do whatever you want without feeling like you are just acting a certain way to prove yourself. It's just that you are comfortable in who you are so you can just be you. Mmmm, a great feeling.
After dancing for awhile, I followed Dan, Andy, and Adam outside where those three boys stripped down to their undies and then Dan and Adam got completely naked and ran off. The best image of the night was Adam's bareass with his "Cayman" tote on his shoulder running next to completely naked Dan across Grand Ave!! A car even stopped to let them cross, I wonder what that driver thought!! HAHAHA! When Dan and Adam came flying across the quad ten minutes later, awkwardly, beautifully naked, I decided the night couldn't get any better than that moment, so I went to bed. A great night! I hope everyone else enjoyed it as much as I did.

it has been so long since I have written in here that this feels kind of awkward. then again, trying to read Marx while all I can do is hear other thoughts bang against my skull is probably more awkward.

le sigh.

it's almost autumn again which means I am almost completely melancholy again. right now my life feels like belle and sebastian rolled up with yo la tengo's "autumn sweater." yeah, that's how it be. or maybe i am just being overly dramatic. all i know is that suddenly the summer was over and i was still dwelling in this fantasy world of long naps and deep talks with loved ones. now i am in a world of marx, theory, tons o' pages of reading, and wishing the people who walked by me on the sidewalk would make eye contact instead of staring at the ground. i am in my room right now, so there is nobody to awkwardly try to make talk with me, so i guess that last complaint has lost its relevance by five hours.
still, i feel antsy right now, but i also feel like i don't have much time to uncover the cause of the antsy-ness. like even writing this entry makes me feel guilty. blah. shouldn't i be reading?
don't get me wrong, autumn is my favorite time of year and despite the poopiness of this entry, i am finding myself mostly content. i suppose it's just that i have spent the last few hours looking at people on facebook who are "in a relationship" and feeling awkward for 1)doing that and 2) still being "single." romance maybe is dumb, but geez someone to roll around with while wearing our itchy-fall-sweaters doesn't sound dumb right now. then we could drink tea together and say we were "in a relationship" on facebook.
i should get a cup of tea perhaps. besides me, EVERYONE should rent and watch "chungking express." wow. that was a good recommendation from a weird friend. watch it and be changed but unable to articulate the changes within you.

hey, that last sentence was like the perfect articulation of my recent confusion. the inability to articulate the changes...le sigh again

the rose bushes cut my legs.
deep, aching red cuts
lines showing where I got too close, was pushed away by unforgiving thorns.
(when I think about it, it's hard to misunderstand a thorn's wishes.)

my job is to tend this garden despite its objections,
so when I see three rose bushes smothered by a creeping vine,
I swoop down to rescue.

with a single tug, much of the vine is loosened and part of the rose remembers what sunlight feels like

suddenly, I am a woman possessed:
arms flapping like wings, leaves flying,
each tug of the vine releasing something more than the three bushes.

I'm there for a long time pulling at the weeds like this, lingering by the three rose bushes long after I'm sure I've saved them.

I wonder: why did it feel so good to release my attacker from its?

maybe I need to remain exposed;
vulnerable to deep cuts.

I don't have internet in my new apartment yet.

So I in "the bean factory" with Greta writing a QUICKIE.

How is everyone? How is everyone's summer going?

I am busy and exhausted and worked myself in a flu-like thingy from hell that makes it hard to breathe through my nose. Darn. But all is pretty good and fun and it is SUMMER for crying out loud, so I can't complain.

Greta and I left our apartment on our bikes right as the sky opened up and poured buckets of rain on our twelve block ride to the coffee shop. I am still a teeny bit wet, two hours later. But seeing Greta with her dripping hair and knowing I was looking at a soggy mirror-image of myself, reminded me of the moments that make summer so splendid and memorable.

more when internet finds me/I find internet.

.saj.

Greta says I should get the seasoning(s) since they are expensive. Whatca think? ;)

"I AM MOVING OUT OF STATE AND HAVE SEVERAL KIND OF FOOD TO GIVE AWAY
I RATHER GIVE AWAY TO SOME ONE WHO NEEDS THEM THEN THROW IT AWAY
come after 2pm

I HAVE RAMEN SOUP
SOUP IN A CAN
I PACK OF CHICKEN THIGHS
ENERGY DRINKS
FLOUR
SEASONING
OPEN CONTAINERS OF PEANUT BUTTER
AND MORE

PLACE IS LOCATED AT 1009 PARK AVE IN MINNEAPOLIS
I CANT REMEMBER EVERYTHING
CALL 718 664 7954 FOR MORE INFO

THANK U"

WHAT A GREAT DAY!!

I managed to drag myself out of bed and go into Grounds, which always, ALWAYS makes me happier. Been having trouble getting up these last few days, which is why it's a miracle I made it into work. I guess the tired from the semester just hit me all at once. Anyway, I love those guys, love that crew. Despite the fact that I am the butt of every joke (my nickname is "swifty" cause I ain't...) it is a good time overall. And despite the fact that I was on gross trash-duty with this guy Jeff, I had fun and got to roll around campus in the convertible (aka: the golf cart.)

I also got back some tests and papers, and did well on all of them, AND got my paycheck in the SPO! Oh baby, money is a good thing! Oh shit, I just checked my bank account and had been overdrawing, how the hell did that happen? SHIT! Okay, okay, it's going to be okay....

Anyway, back on track: I got my Ethnographic Interviewing paper back and had my biggest dorky academic moment of college thus far: I teared up when I read my Professor's comments. He said it was "excellent," my taxonomies are "impeccable," my writing "fluid" and that I should try to get it published!! I was NOT expecting that at all, but I put so much into it, so that was amazing to hear. So yeah, I am officially a brag as well as a nerd, but I deserve some celebration time!

After work, I showered cause I lifted some heavy--150 pounds heavy--steel beams with Jeff (20 to be exact about it) and I had literal dirt smudges on my face and smelled like steel and sweat. Can we say "eww" in unison? Yeah, so I hopped in the shower and then hopped out and decided it was food time. Virginia and I went to Pad Thai, where Adam met us to eat one of my cream cheese puffs...it was sooo yummy though and I was glad to have some time with Virg and the ol' Nelson.

Then Virginia and I were biatchs, and took Dave's car to Target...I mean, he didn't say we couldn't drive it a short distance, right? (tehehehe) I got a bunch of useless things such as Carebear band-aids and men's tshirts. I also almost got my sex cd. (About the sex cd: I decided I need a sexy cd for when I eventually have some hot sex with a hot man or woman...I decided Sade's "Lover's Rock" is the cd I want, so when I saw it for cheap I thought, "Why not?" But then the thought of it gathering dust was depressing, so I decided to save buying it for a time when sex was more probable. Was that overly honest and therefore depressing?) So after the Target run, we drove back to campus and grabbed Emily for some chilling at my house. Let me just say that hanging out with no homework looming over my head is the BEST THING EVER!

But as we were driving up Grand Ave, I saw Joseph in his very recognizable yellow flannel. That boy wears flannel like it's his job. I jumped out because I had been hounding him all day to give me his artwork. Yeah, Joseph is turning out to be one of the cooler Macalester heterosexual boys I have met. (For those of you who don't know: most "straight" guys here are passive and then one or all of the following: immature, weird in an un-cool way, socially awkward in an un-cool way, PUSSY'S to say the least.) But Joseph is a dear. He gave me his pinecone drawings! As Seth would say, huzzah! (What does that even mean? Should I use words when I don't *really* know their meaning?) Anyway, I don't think anyone has given me a gift like that before, so I was really touched. I guess he gave them to me because I technically helped him out by giving him the idea/ saying frantically "just draw pinecones" when he was struggling to find inspiration and deadline was near. But yeah, they are all beautiful in completely unique ways and I am excited to hang them in my bedroom in my NEW apartment. I am also asking any of my artist friends to contribute, donate, or lend me some of their artwork for my room. Something about displaying the art of friends is just so much more meaningful to me.

After talking to Joseph for far too long and making my dear friends wait for me outside in Dave's car, I went back home with Virginia and Emily and we watched "Dick" and I also did dishes and laundry like a dork. Now I sit here and type, listening to Dar Williams and thinking about life, in a very un-profound way. But sometimes deepness is actually shallow, and the surface of things says more than we might even know.

.saj.

After all of these years, look at me here
With a love song stuck in my throat.

Hey! You! And YOU! You know who you are. If you are going to read my sad entries and subtlely or not so subtlely ask if I am alright, comment in my journal. I like advice, I like kind words, I like it all. And especially in a public forum. Makes me feel less invisible.

Oh, and I feel a bit better. Yeah.


TIME TO FINISH MY ETHNOGRAPHY!!!!

I am not just disappointed.

I am hurt.

I am angry.

the slow fade of (would be, could be) love...

.saj.

Struggling so much for the right words to put in this huge white space. Initially I think of words of regret, but those pass. Lines of sorrow enter my mind, but they seem too dramatic and fade away. Surprise? No, I am not really surprised. There just aren't enough words in the world to ever really capture how I feel, or maybe my feelings never stay still long enough for one word to capture the essence of it all.

What I know is that again and again having expectations is not a good idea.

I also must acknowledge that I handled the situation quite well, even made small-talk with other people, didn't put my own heartache and disappointment on display. YES, there is the word I was searching for: disappointment...

Moving the word over and over again in my head, it feels right. It feels honest. In fact, it feels good to say. I am disappointed, so disappointed. Not exactly disappointed in myself, because I think I was honest and true to my feelings, but disappointed that even when you do all that and practice the honesty that you preach, it doesn't mean that the powers of the universe are going to unite and he is going to feel the same way about you that you feel about him. Or, and this is a realization I am hesitant to write because then I would have to accept it, that people can be into you in a totally different way then you are into them AND...that...is...okay.

There, I said it. It's okay. It is going to be okay.

And to paraphrase my new favorite song, every heartbreak makes me more adventurous.

.saj.

It is 2:30 in the am, which means I am up later than ever doing work! I am such a baby and really love my sleep, so this is pretty amazing and (might I add?) totally hardcore of me to be up this late doing homework. I barely ever even party this late into the night, hahahaaaaa

Today has just felt kinda strange and incredibly long. I mean, I decided to "take the day off" and by that I mean I skipped class and work and slept in and *tried* to do work...I just needed to hide for a little. I think it was because very, very soon I will be ridiculously busy and stressed and I know this weekend is going to be packed full of work, so I needed a morning and early afternoon to be a sloth and relax.

So, now, of all times, I am finally working.

I am also discovering that Rilo Kiley ROCKS so much! I finally turned off "More Adventurous" after listening to it in its entirety three whole times. shit bitch!! (as adam would say). It was like an orgasm on a disc. Yeah, I am totally serious.

This entry probably makes no sense, but I am on a roll with my paper and I keep making dorky squeals of delight because I am proud of it and enjoying writing it (*gasp*). So I better get back to it before I fizzle out...

.saj.

Godzilla AND flaming lips!!! After reading these get a load of my sex name...

Your Penis Name is: Godzilla

This is amazing http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I will let it speak for itself

.saj.

Dear (live)journal,


I can't do anything. I can't focus on anything! This is so frustrating! I can barely focus enough to write in here, not to mention that I can totally hear Joseph's voice in my head teasing me and my blog!! AHHH. Anyway, this is definitely a classic example of exactly what he and I make fun of (or hint at making fun of) in terms of blogging: those moments of being completely incompetent in life, and for no apparent reason except that it feels "right" at the moment, turning to the blog. It is even more ridiculous typed out than talked over, hahaha. I am turning, turning, turning to the blog to try to break down this frustration and inability to work, and instead all I can do is mock myself for this ritual. It is kind of funny, sitting here and laughing at myself, not even trying to be eloquent or to come up with some profound analysis of my present state. I am just BLAH. That is all.
Tonight I felt like an earlier version of myself, probably because I spent much of the day alone. Wow, to be alone, what a rare occurance in the life of a college-coed (no, seriously). So to be alone in my room for the majority of the day was huge for me...but not refreshing. I thought I needed "me time" to get this paper started, but instead I was just a complete sloth, taking breaks from checking my email to stare at the wall and taking breaks from staring at the wall to look through my window. Yes, it was actually that pathetic.
Last night I was sick of making inauthentic attempts to connect with people and so today I totally alienated myself, and now I am sick of being so separate from the world that I can't make any sort of connection with anyone.

I really need to write this paper.

.saj.

After a beautiful day in the sunshine (mostly with Virginia, but also running into and/or watching other Mac folks), I headed home solo to make dinner. An old man in a suit and a cap sat on a bench near the library eating peanuts out of a brown paper bag. I said hello as I passed. He looked up at me and said, "I had overalls just like yours, when I was a baby on the farm." In an instant, I saw his entire life. I smiled and made some comment or another and kept walking, knowing by the look in his eyes that he was back there on his farm. His life seemed so rich in that moment, with me walking by in overalls just a blip in the big picture of things. But I am fine being a mere blip, because I am still a part of his life in some small way, and he a part of mine. How soothing it is to be reminded how much we all have the ability to connect, even if it's "just" a pair of overalls that brings us to that common ground.

"Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

.saj.

Dear Blog,
Finally I feel like my self-representation with a certain friend was accurate. Finally, a conversation that revealed me, instead of some uncertain and questionable version of myself.

Love,
Sara


ps- "Dear Blog" was how I started this entry because of a promise I made to Joseph Patton, Anthropology friend and confidant. If he reads this, he will be proud (I hope).

Back.

For the record, while home:

Saw: WanWan (once)
Aaron (twice)
Saw by surprise: Emily, who came into town completely by chance!

Didn't see: Rachel (though she was in-town)
Alex (in Italy)
Lauren (in Australia)
Amelia (in Texas)

So, the week was mostly me just sitting in front of the tv and being completely brain-dead. Not exactly what "going home" is supposed to mean to me. But it is what it is. Besides, I am not sure where my home is anymore. I mean that in an honest, not a dramatic, way. It just is how it is.


So coming back to Mac after Springbreak is always a bit stressful for me because I feel like there isn't enough time to have as much fun as I would like because the workload is going to get crazy and the time is just going to fly by. But this time I have the summer to look forward to, in the same town, with many of the same people. Still, I just know the time is going to zoom past. Right now I kind of feel like I am in the eye of the storm. Let's see what happens.

.saj.